Today, I had to go to my research lab and listen to some tapes we will be using to instruct our subjects. The woman who designed the experiment is a grad student in the lab. So, as I'm listening to the tapes, I'm in a dimly lit, slightly chilled room ... and I start to feel myself getting a little droopy eyed. The tone of her voice is intensely relaxing. After I finished listening to a half hour or so of the tape recording, I came out of the room feeling very refreshed. I wanted to pay this woman a compliment and tell her what a lovely voice she had.

I had good intentions. Keep this in mind.

So, I see her sitting in one of the back rooms with a few other students and a professor and I go up to her. The following conversation takes place:

(*this denotes what I was thinking)

Me: I was suprised how soothing your voice was on the tapes.

Her: So, what are you saying? That normally it's painful to hear me speak??

Me: Oh no! I'm just saying it was very sensual. (*Um, wrong choice of adjectives. Correct yourself! Correct yourself!) Oh, I don't mean "sensual" like in phone sex operator ... (*way to go , brainiac. Compare her to verbal prostitutes. ) ... I mean, "sensual" like the ones in automated messages. You know, those voices that tell you that "all our operators are busy. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us."

She doesn't say anything. Just looks at me like I have suddenly grown a large purple chicken out of my head.

So, I figure that that's my cue to continue rambling:

Me: I'm just saying that your voice put me to sleep. (*Oh yeah. That'll make things better)

Her: My voice puts you to sleep!

Me: No, not to sleep! That's not what I mean!

Her: That's what you said. You said that my voice puts you "to sleep".

Me: I don't mean "to sleep" in the "close your eyes" meaning of the word. I meant "to sleep" in the "I'm an idiot and I'll just leave this room now" sense of the word. It's a subtle nuance of definitions.

Thank god, she (and everyone else) started laughing. And I just played it off like I was being clever but , honestly, I just really wanted to leave the room. Badly.

But it all ended well. She offered me a Three Musketeer's Candy Bar.

Abject humiliation can always be remedied with chocolate.

Well, at least for me that is.

See goes to show you. If you are going to give a compliment, don't ever tell someone they sound like a phone sex operator.

Even if they really, really do.

Unless, of course, they are a phone sex operator. Then I think it's okay.

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