I was upstairs playing the piano but it began to have too much of a Phantom of the Opera vibe so I stopped.

There are places that just provoke introspection for me, for some reason. Like when I'm walking in the woods alone. (Which I don't do often because, as any avid watcher of Medical Detectives will tell you, that's where either a) you get murdered or b) murderers bury their victim's bodies.) But back before I became paranoid of being hunted down by a serial killer, I use to walk in the woods alone. And, whenever I did, I would always start thinking about deep, meaningful life issues. This house does the same thing. Whenever I am alone in it and everything is quiet ... it always provokes intensive thought. Well, if I'm alone and it's daylight then it is thought-provoking. However, if I'm alone and it's night ... well, as any avid horror movie watcher will tell you - big, old houses at night are either 1)haunted; 2)the target of psychotic, ax wielding lunatics or 3) Both 1 & 2 with a rapist or killer clown in the basement thrown in for good measure. So it's hard to find the time for introspection amidst all the screaming and fleeing.

And, did I mention, it's a big, old house IN THE WOODS?? Let's not even go there. It's like I should just have "Kill me, please" written on my forehead. Well, looking on the brightside, at least it's not a cabin in the woods. By a lake. Then I really would be in trouble.

Oh hell. I've forgotten my original point. Man, I ramble too much.

Oh, yes. My birthday.

So, I'm sitting here - in my big, old insane killer clown infested house ...thinking about my rapidly approaching birthday.

Normally, I am so excited. I think that's because the first part of my life was all about getting older. When I was 15, I wanted to be 16. When I was 17, I wanted to be 18. When I was 20, I wanted to be 21. Then something happened about age 24 ... I started to really become aware of the fact that I was getting older. I think that's what my 20's have been about ... and mind you I still have a few years left so maybe my perspective will change ... but, for me at least, my twenties are when I started to realize that everything around me ... including myself ... was evanescent. That is, fleeting.

Slowly, I am vanishing as the years go by.

It isn't aging that scares me. Well, no, that's a lie. Aging does scare me. I can't imagine myself at age 80. As I'm sure most young people can't. The thought that I won't always be like I am now is very scary. It's as if once you hit 25 ... everything goes downhill from there.

I don't know why people think that. It's ashame though.

Maybe because we don't respect wisdom in our culture. The kind of wisdom you can only get through experience.

And, of course, we worship youth.

This is my theory on getting older: I've noticed that alot of my professors, who are in the 60's look twenty years younger than they should. In fact, my one professor who is 76 ... I swear to god, he looks like he's 43.

Now, is that because Delaware has something in its water?

Well, sure we do. But it's just pollution. Toxins in the water might make you have a baby with three heads but it won't make you younger looking.

I think it's because, when you're young, you can do whatever you want to your body and it doesn't seem to affect it. So, you can abuse it all you want and never have to fear serious consequences. It's all very easy. But then, as you age, you can't do anything you want to your body anymore. So, if you abuse it. It gets pissed at you. And lets you know it. However, if you take care of it then it will take care of you.

All those professors who look so young ... they run everyday. They lift weights. They have healthy lives. They keep their minds stimulated. So, they stay young. But not "young" like a 20 year old ... but "young" in the best sense of the word - the kind of youth that keeps you from growing old.

Old people sit around in nursing homes waiting for death because they have forgotten how to live.

That's what scares me.

I don't want to ever grow old.

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