If you had made that turn instead going straight? Actually taken those piano lessons you always wanted? Backpacked across Europe like you said you would in high school.

Or, even, perhaps ... one day found the courage to leave him?

What would your life be like now?

I don't spend that much of my time imagining what could have been ... well, because, it's not. Just seems like a waste of creative thought. Except when is when it comes to my brother. Then really all I have are "if only"s.

I haven't spoke with my brother in years. That is until recently. My siblings and I became fractured after my parent's death. My sister and I eventually reconnected. However, my brother and I ... well, I guess life just swallowed us up. And we became lost.

Not to long ago, my sister called to tell me the Johnny (my brother) wanted to speak with me. She asked if she could give him my number. I agreed of course. And he called me. Of course.

It's hard to describe the person I spoke with. He seemed like a ghost. Someone who was barely there ... transparent. I once saw a movie that had a really great line in it: "She used to have a life. But, one day, she stopped feeding it ... and it went away." That's how I would describe my brother when I spoke with him. Like somehow his life had just gone away on him.

There are some people in the world, and maybe you know one and maybe even you are one (although I hope not), that have lost their spark. Somehow, through loss or depression or hopelessness, that vital spirit that keeps us illuminated becomes extiguished. And, when you talk with them, it's almost as if they are feeding off your energy to stay alive. After the conversation ends, you feel drained. It's because they have nothing to get them through the day but borrowed life.

That's Johnny. Living on borrowed life. He seemed hollow. Crushed. So empty that I swear he echoed.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Johnny was on my mind. I couldn't figure out what I had done differently. Why my life hadn't oozed out of me like his?

We had suffered the same circumstances ... but where he had been crushed and was reborn. Not to say that I wasn't sad. Of course I was. I mean, I'm not RoboKeryanna or anything. I am extremely sad when people I love die. If I wasn't, I think that fufills a criteria for being a sociopath. I had days of screaming, crying, blaming, and shaking. We all need those days. Even if noone dies. We just need them to remind us that we are human.

But through it all I knew that I would be okay. Even if I didn't feel like that at the time. I knew I would be okay because this is all I have. This is *my* life and, at the end of the day, I say what goes. Despite a few uncontrollable events, I pretty much have the reigns here.

Maybe Johnny doesn't feel that. Maybe he feels like life makes him not the other way around. But life is a dynamic process. We are active participants not passive observers. You don't like something change it. And, if think you can't change it, try again.

I tried to tell him this but he sounded too far gone. He said that he wanted to go to school to be an engineer. Of course, I said : "Well, enroll in school, then!" He said he couldn't. He was 31 now with a wife and two kids. I said since when did age and family replace GPA for admittance into college? There are thousands of people much older than 31 who have families who are getting their degree.

He said I wouldn't understand. I wasn't in his shoes.

True. The only shoes I have are my own. (Thank god.) I don't know what anyone's life is like but my own. However, the one thing that cuts across all dimensions and remains constant across all situations ... is that if you really want something, you CAN make it happen. It might not be easy. It might require some sacrifice and take much longer than you expected but virtually nothing is impossible.

Save me learning how to breakdance. Tried it once in the mid'80's. Wasn't pretty.

Abruptly, Johnny said he had to go. His voice cut with .. I don't know ... maybe fear? Maybe hurt? Maybe anger? I said all the wrong things, I know I did. But how could I act like everything was fine - when I knew it wasn't? But ... how do you raise the dead? That's what he seemed like. Dead.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll hold my breath and wish for some blackmagic.

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