We left Canada a day early so we would escape the snow. Odd as it sounds even to me, I was relishing the idea of being snow-free for a little while since it seemed to snow daily while we were in London. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but unusual for me being from a state where,if we have four inches, the whole place closes down and the mayor declares a state of emergency.

Wait, there's a punchline. So, I wake up this morning - in my cozy little bed in my own cozy little bedroom in my supposedly snow-free state - to a snowstorm raging outside my window. Meanwhile, in Canada (where it snowed every single day for the two weeks we were there) it's dry as a bone.

Don't worry. The irony of the situation hasn't escaped me.

I wanted to pop in to tell you I made it home okay. All parts in working order and in their proper place. My cat nearly spontaneously combusted from happiness when she saw us. Cats have no concept of time so I think she thought we were gone for good. I don't know how to explain "vacation" to a cat. In fact, I don't know how to explain anything to an animal whose brain is the size of a small plum.

Oh, I also wanted to tell you how the story ended. What happened after my last entry. So you don't think I spent my remaining time in Canada held up in my in-law's spare bedroom.

So I wrote the entry. And, have to say, felt much better. Thank you very much. It's good to get things aired out of my head in time to time. Lightens the load, you know.

Jake kept popping in while I was writing the entry. Concerned about me - maybe even a little worried. It's hard to see someone you care about upset and you are powerless to comfort them. I don't think I envy his situation. My emotions confuse me most of the time - I can't even imagine being an outsider looking in.

Must look like pure chaos.

But chaos isn't always a bad thing - it forces me to find my balance, my order. Unless things go screwy, you can't find their place and put them back where they belong.

So, I wrote the entry. And ate my peanut M&M's.

And I hear a knock on the door.

It's Jake. He went downstairs to read what I had written. He comes up behind me and says: "I don't want to upset you. But Fuck the world. I love you."

That's when I realized that there is always something shining in our darkness. At least for me, I think. I don't always see it, at first. But it's there.

For some bizarre reason, I was hit with an attack of "nobody can love me". I hate those attacks. It's like Post-traumatic stress ... just appears out of nowhere. All the while, here was someone who obviously loves me so much that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And brings me peanut M&M's just to make me feel better.

Don't worry. The irony of the situation hasn't escaped me.

I try to learn something from everything I experience. "Try" being the operative word here - because, honestly, I am about as human as they come and often don't succeed. But I did learn a few things this time:

1. Jake loves me. When I get scared, I need to repeat this to myself. Because he does. Alot.

2. At times, life can be very difficult. This is true. But it can also be very easy too. It's all too easy to forget the easy times and focus on the hard ones. I think living occurs somewhere in the middle. Extremes exist either to test us, strenghten us, or confirm our power. When it gets bad, hold on .. better times are ahead. And when it's easy, sit back and enjoy it. It's well deserved.

3. I will get scared. I will cry. I will hurt. Sometimes, for no apparent reason. But that's cool. We all need a little chaos in our world. But there is always light in the darkness. I just need to open my eyes to see it.

4. Jake loves me. And, even if he didn't, that doesn't mean that I don't deserved to be love. It just means that I'm in the wrong enviroment and with the wrong people. Not being loved isn't a defect in someone's character - it's an inadequacy of environment. Plant a seed in sand and rocks - and, no matter how beautiful the potential flower, it won't grow. Plant a seed in a place with great soil, warm sunshine, and plenty of water - and quicker than you can get the panties off a drunk prom queen - you'll have yourself One Amazing Rose.

It's a matter of perspective. But then, again, isn't everything?

When I get scared, I need to repeat this to myself. Feel free to do the same if it helps you through the rough patches.

We all need a little help sometimes.

And peanut M&M's.

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