I have a really cool office. Very posh. I have my own personal bathroom AND shower, my own TV with cable (including HBO, Learning Channel and Court TV - Woohoo!) and, to recreate all the comforts of home, a vibrating Lazy boy recliner to massage away all the worries of my day.

The one thing I do NOT have is a desk.

Why don't you have a desk, Keryanna?

Good question. Which lends itself to a story.

When I first started my job, I was told that a desk was being ordered for me that week. My mistake was in thinking that they were judging time by earthly standards. Apparently, their clocks are set on Martian time where one week means THREE months.

No biggie. We all get a little sidetracked a bit. I decided to be patient ... and carry all my office supplies around in a little cardboard box.

I thought maybe I would start a trend.

I didn't.

Anyway, every week my boss would come in and say "You STILL don't have a desk?". To which I would reply, "No".

I'm very eloquent at work.

Also every week she would tell me that my desk would be there that Monday. So every Sunday, I would get all excited thinking about how my spanking new desk would be waiting for me when I got into work in the morning.

Yet every Monday morning when I opened my door, my office was desk-less. Empty and alone. I felt like a stood up date on prom night. Only without the chiffon.

Finally, one morning I come into work and, as I begin to creak open my door, I catch the slightest glimpse of four vertical legs ...

Of a CARDTABLE. You know the kind with the vinyl top that has a weird pattern that, although is suppose to resemble wood, looks nothing like any kind of wood I've ever seen. But then again, I don't get out much. Maybe somewhere there is a forest filled with maroon trees.

On top of the metal cardtable with a fake wood vinyl top is a computer monitor and keyboard.

But no CPU.

So, I make a call to the front desk to ask a)Did someone forget to inform me that Sunday was poker night in my office; and b)Is my computer being brought to me in installments? Maybe their funding didn't come through and my CPU is still stuck in lay-away at Walmart.

Our kind receptionist informed me that no, my computer is not being brought to me in installments. I won't be getting a CPU. And the cardtable is not the remnants of some off the hook casino night ... but will be my temporary desk.

I have to say that I lose some of my professional edge when clients come in to meet with me and I'm sitting behind a vinyl cardtable. I feel like I should be dealing blackjack not giving them the tools for self sufficiency.

Okay, so now I have no computer and no desk.

S'alright. I can deal. (Ha! No pun intended.) Take deep breaths. Meditate. Relax. Go to your happy place.

I tell my boss about the situation. She apologizes profusely, orders me another computer, and takes me immediately to pick out a new desk.

Which I did. Quite a looker of one, I might add. Had a hutch and everything.

Happy ending, right?

Oh, wrong. So very wrong.

I've come to the conclusion that in my past life I must have been a really evil desk saleman. Or maybe I was a desk mover and accidently drop one on a cute little puppy. Or maybe I cheated on my husband on top of a desk. Whatever the reason, my bad karma now prevents me from owning or obtaining a desk in this life.

This is where it actually gets kinda funny. In a sick, twisted black comedy sort of way.

So, we (my boss and I) go to Staples and order the desk on Thursday. They say it will be delivered on Monday.

Monday comes and no desk.

The purchasing manager of my organization emails me to tell me that she spoke with Staples. And the desk should be delivered on Friday.

Friday comes. No desk AGAIN.

On Monday, JoAnne (the aforementioned purchasing manager) calls to ask me for a copy of the proof of delivery that we have to sign when the desk is delivered.

I explain to her that I would be happy to give her a copy as soon as I have a desk to sign it on.

So she calls Staples again. They said they delivered the desk. But they don't know where they delivered it too.

Now this, children, is a prime example of what happens when parents engage in hard core drug use during pregnancy. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

And the even more annoying thing is that somewhere, someone had a brand new $400 desk delivered to them out of the blue and found this situation not in the least a tad peculiar.

Must be those furniture fairies going around delivering unordered office furniture to the needy again. God bless their little hearts.

Okay. So about this time, I have to admit that I'm losing my Zen-like calmness about the whole ordeal. I'm about two seconds from cuttting down a tree and building my own damn desk.

JoAnne reorders my desk and tells me it should be delivered on Monday.

I'm starting to get the feeling that Monday is not a very good day for me. Maybe, back in my past life as an evil unfaithful desk salesman that murders puppies, my birthday was on a Monday.

Anyway, Monday comes and guess what??

Yes, you got that right. Surprise, surprise.

I DON'T HAVE A DESK.

So JoAnne calls Staples again to see what happened. Now, they tell her that a desk was never ordered.

Apparently, Staples is run by the Three Stooges.

At this point, I'm looking around for cameras because I must be on the Jamie Kennedy Experiment or the Gong Show or Punk'd. People can NOT be this stupid in real life.

Oh but they are. Now Joanne has to reorder the already reordered desk for a third time.

And this is the kicker.

THEY DON'T DELIVER ON MONDAYS.

That cracked me up.

I mean, c'mon. Doesn't Staples publish some kind of manual that tells the employees ,whose SOLE purpose is to schedule DELIVERY, what days they do or do not deliver.

You would think that little tidbit would be included in the training.

How did this company become so big? There had to be sexual favors somehow involved in the deal.

So, now my delivery is scheduled for Tuesday, June 3rd.

I'll be sure to keep you posted.

On a good note, I did get a fully intact computer last week. CPU and all. Actually, it goes pretty well with my vinyl cardtable.

I dare say it looks rather sexy.

Maybe that was going a bit too far.

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