Even though, sometimes, that's a bitter pill to swallow. Like when a three year old dies in a car accident. Or a twenty two year old man suffers with kidney cancer that is unheard of in a man his age.

It's difficult to believe that good will come from a newborn suffocating in his crib or populations being exterminated because of someone's hatred or fear.

These tragedies test my faith - which is kinda ironic because I don't have a religion. Unfortunately, I don't believe in God. I wish I did ... it would make alot of things a whole lot easier for me.

But I do have faith. I have faith that, good or bad, there is order and meaning to all actions. I believe that even our mistakes are necessary for growth. We can't know how to do something right until we've done it wrong first.

This is where age has been beneficial for me. I remember when I was very young - eleven or twelve - the world scared the hell out me. Random events could destroy my life at any time and send me spiraling downward. I never stepped on cracks in pavement or broke a mirror. I carried around a rabbit's foot and dutifully said my night time prayers. I was petrified to eat meat on Friday out of fear that God would strike me down.

I believed that anything bad that happened to me must be punishment.

So imagine how I interpreted my mother dying suddenly from cancer then my dad getting killed in a drunk driving accident eight months later.

I thought I was a very bad little girl and that my life was destined to be miserable.

I was wrong. So very very wrong.

Now I see things much differently. As I've grown older, I can more fully see the patterns in my life. The more life I live, the more memories have to work with. I mean, I still get upset when things don't go my way but that's because I'm immature not fearful. And, in retrospect, everything happens as it should. And always for the better.

Case in point. I was very unhappy that I had to take this year off. I was greatly looking forward to pursuing my PHD this fall. And when I say "greatly looking forward" - I really mean "excited beyond belief". You have no clue how much of a dream this is for me. I've worked really hard for really long to get to this point.

This is one of the things that I was always meant to do. It fits me, you know. Unfortunately, life got in the way and I had to put my dreams on the back burner for awhile.

But that's the thing about dreams - they're resilient little suckers. They never really go away. They're always there waiting for open moment to pounce.

The plans were made and everything was ready.

Then Jake took me out to dinner and asked me to wait a year. To postpone my plans for a bit to give him time to build his business.

I was heartbroken. Seriously heartbroken. I know a year isn't that long but ,sometimes, a year can seem like an eternity.

So I sucked it up. After alot of moaning, that is.

I was dreading this year. I just wanted it to be done and over with so I could get to where I needed to be.

Then I found this job. Which seemed like a not-too-unpleasant way to spend the next year and half of my life. Help some people. Change some lives. Do some good.

But, you know, I really had no clue. Once again, life showed me that just because things don't work out the way you orginally planned doesn't mean that they didn't work out for the best.

I realized that as I was sitting here tonight surfing for resources for a couple clients of mine. They are a homeless family, a husband and wife with their two children, who came to Delaware hoping for a better life and, unfortunately, didn't find one. I've spent the last week helping them obtain affordable housing in the area as well as setting them up with a job training program.

Just last Wednesday, a women came in with her two year old boy. They were homeless and both suffering from heart problems. They'd been staying in various shelters for nearly six months and the constant moving had only worsened their already pre-existing conditions.

I set them up with an immediate interview for our program and called to make an appointment for a heart specialist in the area so they can get proper medical attention.

They move into their new room in our facility this week. And her and her son see the heart specialist on Friday.

I have learned, seen, and experienced so much in such a few amount of months. I can only imagine what I will have gained in a year.

I've had the opportunity to develop a youth leadership curriculum for homeless children that will give them the tools they need to have functional and productive lives. I've helped organize job fairs for low income, unemployed adults, participated (and now will facilitate) study groups on race relations in America, and, just by having candy in my office on a daily basis, I have brought lots of smiles to lots of children that don't smile nearly as often as they should.

Every day, I do something good. Every single day I make a difference in someone's life.

If Jake hadn't asked me to wait for this year, I never would have experienced any of this.

I wouldn't be training for my marathon. I wouldn't be at a job that I love. I wouldn't feel as blessed as I do at this moment.

I think that we are in control of our choices. I do believe in free will. I don't think that everything is predestined.

However, there is an undercurrent to life. Which doesn't necessarily mean that there is only one "best" way for things to turn out. I think we are constantly adjusting to our lives. Each decision we make has its own set of consequences. It is up to us to decide whether or not we will use these consequences to our advantage or disadvantage.

Once in awhile, a little luck doesn't hurt either.

My life is always taking me to unexpected places. And they're not always the best places. But, when I look back, I can see that, at that moment, it was where I was meant to be. Even if it didn't feel like that at the time.

I haven't been alive too long so I still got a few more years ahead me ... but, if the first couple decades have been any indication, this is going to be one hell of a ride.

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