2004-04-02
From time to time, I have a waking dream. Like a daydream but only for an instant.

I'm barefoot. Walking along a path of cool, flat stones. I don't know where it's leading me ... but I'm not scared.

The path is shaded and , as the sunshine slices through, it leaves ragged imprints alternating light and dark on the stone below.

I assume there are trees - but I never see them. I never look up or back or sideways. I'm focused on the path.

It's weird because I'm oddly comforted by this daydream. Maybe it's symbolic. Or images from a past life. Whatever the origin and however fleeting, it always proves effective. I feel calmed and reassured by it.

I wonder about Fate. Often, actually. And, if you've ever read my diary, you probably already know that by now.

I wonder if Martin Luther King, Jr felt his destiny? If, as a boy, he knew he'd grow up to be a great man. Or did he happen upon greatness like someone who trips over the curb because they weren't expecting it to be there?

I wonder if the little three year old girl on the news tonight, the one who died this morning because her stepfather wanted to make her stop crying ... I wonder if somewhere inside her ... she knew she would die.

I wonder because I want to know where I lie in this spectrum. Where is my place between greatness and obscurity? Have I or will I be who I am meant to be? And, if I'm not, is this my only shot? Is it all or nothing?

Does fate boil up inside of us ... simmering low all our lives until one day, it can't help but rise to the surface?

Or is fate not fate at all? But a summation of our actions? Like two plus two equals four? Put slot A into slot B and one day you'll be a hero too.

I guess what I'm wondering is: Is there some magic in fate? Not just being in the right place at the right time? Or the wrong place at the wrong time? Is there ... something more to it? Beyond timing. Beyond luck. Beyond god. Beyond us.

At times, I feel an undercurrent to life. A quiet surging beneath everyday events.

And, then, at other times, I feel nothing. No, not nothing. Sometimes, I feel fear. Because I don't want to believe that we are meaningless.

But, we aren't really meaningless, are we? I mean, even if there isn't fate ... we still exist. For whatever reason. We still impact the world and each other and countless lives each moment we are here.

That has to be meaningful. Right?

We have to be meaningful ... right?

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