Whenever I get to the breaking point - when I think I just can't hang on anymore - like this morning when I was seriously considering the finer points of homocidal rage - something always clicks. Like the universe says "Okay, she's had enough. We've tested here. Now, let's give her a break."

It's not because I'm an optimist. Believe me, I'm not. It's that there is balance - good and bad, ying and yang, ben and jerry's- in every aspect of existence. In every human being in fact.

So, a few hours ago, I was frustrated ... almost near tears. I'd been dealing all day with people who didn't hear me. Or didn't really even acknowledge me. To feel better, I hopped online to write a diary entry to clear my head. Let out some of those negative vibes - because they really weren't getting me anywhere. Often we give what we get. And I think that's exactly what was happening to me.

After I finished writing, I decided to calm myself down. To put myself in their shoes for a moment and consider their day. Maybe it wasn't me that they didn't care about. Maybe their dad just died. Or their husband is cheating on them. Maybe they've been told some really bad news. Or they're wondering how to make the bills this month.

Maybe I caught them on a really bad day.

Instead of taking it personally, I decided to reconsider my perspective.

And to try one last time.

Without the anger. Without the pity. Without the frustration.

Just call one last time and see what happens.

So I called the clinic. Finally getting through to a doctor. A really, really nice doctor.

I told her my story. What I had been through. What I was going through. How I didn't think I could pay. How scared I was.

She talked with me for almost a hour. She had me read my test results and said that it wasn't as bad as I thought. None of the other doctors had taken the time to sit down with me and talk to me about what was going on. Because I didn't understand, I was so afraid. She explained everything to me. A biopsy does not at all mean that I have cancer. In fact, the odds are very likely that I don't. And, in the off chance that I did, it would be extremely slow moving and highly curable.

And before we spent all this money on all these expensive tests - there was another test that they could perform for free. It's paid for from a grant they receive from the government. It exists exactly for this reason. So people who've had abnormal test results could make sure they actually needed other more invasive tests performed - because they are so costly. Now, if this comes back abnormal, then then we would proceed with all these expensive biopsys.

Noone ever gave me this option. Even when I explained that I didn't have the money to pay. Even when I said that I had no medical insurance. Noone took the time to actually listen to me. To care.

Until now.

So we cancelled the biopsy. I don't have to get my medical records sent to the clinic. And I rescheduled so I can get the pre-cancerous lesion screening instead.

I am always in awe with the way the world works. I have never, ever been let down. Even when I thought I had, I really hadn't. Sometimes it takes some time for the good things to show up, but they always do. In some form or the other.

And it's not because I always see the good in things. Because, if you knew me, I really don't. I'm very much a realist. However, that being said, I can't deny that from bad always springs good. That's because they're one in the same. Two sides of the same coin. We can't have one without the other.

All I need to do is to take a step back. Breathe in deeply. Calm myself. Because, whatever darkness I'm in can't - no, won't - last forever. The sun will always rise. The dawn will always come.

I am in a particulary amazing mood right now. Who would have thunk it, huh?

Granted part of that may be from my endorphins kicking in (just returned from a fabulous jazzercise class) ... but I think alot of it has to do with that one nice doctor who took the time to listen to me.

It's weird how one person can make such a dramatic difference.

Yep, you give what you get. Be caring, nice and thoughtful .. and eventually, the world will catch up to you.

Eventually.

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