Not about the existence of God or Allah or Buddha or whatever garden variety relgious crisis of the day that constantly haunts me ... but a crisis about my faith in humanity.

I have always believed - and I still do - that, when it comes down to it, we will always do the right thing. When push comes to shove, you'll return that wallet to its rightful owner, tell the truth despite the consequences, change your life for the better if given the adequate opportunity.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I continue to believe that humans are essentially good. I think I have to ... because if humans are not at their core good people then I, being human, am not fundamentally good either.

So I live my life trying to uncover our best features. Jake says I'm odd -(I don't dispute the validity of that remark) - because I randomly compliment people.

One day, while standing in line, I noticed this girl in front me had on a backless shirt which displayed a particulary beautiful lower back. The curve of it, the cute little dimples along her spine - were really exceptional. So, out of the blue, I tap her on the shoulder and tell her that she has an attractive small of the back.

Now, I admit, some might not call that "normal" behavior but then again, I think our definition of normal is in desperate need of revision. Anyway, you would have thought I had just said "Hi. I'm Keryanna. I would really like to ravage you right here on this sandwich counter. Will you be my sex slave?"

Which, by the way, I didn't say.

What does this have to do with my point? Really, nothing. I just like to tell that story.

Anyway, I was telling you about my crisis of faith. So I think that people are essentially good. However, from time to time, my faith in this fact is put to the test.

i.e. the fact that this incredibly nice man is cheating on his girlfriend. Repeatedly. Without any regret or intention to stop.

And, even worse, the vast majority of people - people whose opinion I trust immensely - tell me to stay out of it. That it's none of my business. That that's just what men do. It's human nature.

So, it's "human nature" to lie, deceive and manipulate? If temptation is too strong, then don't get into a committed relationship. Very simple. If you know from the start that your nature dictates that you are unable to remain faithful to one partner - then don't commit yourself. Monogomy is a choice remember. If you make that choice then proceed to deceive and manipulate your partner by sleeping with other people simply to satisfy your own carnal desires ... then don't blame it on your nature. It's your character that's at fault here ... not your genetics.

Honestly, this issue has really gotten under my skin. But it even goes beyond just this. The other night I was watching tv and a slew of reality shows came on. "The Surreal Life", "Class Reunion" etc ... and even watching the "People Choice Awards", it became abundantly clear that, even if we don't believe in a god, we create one. Movie stars, prom queens, rock legends ... life is a huge popularity contest with the sole purpose of manufactoring winners. We need winners because we need losers. We need to feel better than other people.

We need masters and slaves. Stars and fans. Jocks and nerds. We exist in polar opposites. You're either bad or good. Celebrated or Ignored.

The whole thing tests my faith in the human condition. By definition, we are fragile, flawed creatures. I've always seen this as an advantage ... if we were perfect beings, we wouldn't really understand what it meant to be alive. Since living occurs in its most concentrated form within moments when we need to make those crucial decision. Will I stop drinking? Will I finally get my high school diploma? Will I leave him? If we were perfect beings, we would always know the answers to these question. Because we are not, our fate is uncertain. Our humanity is what gives us power, control over our lives. That's what living is about ... that's what is means to be alive.

In order for good, there has to be bad. They define each other. We wouldn't have the Mother Theresas of the world, if we didn't have the Charles Mansons. Regrettable fact but true. However, I believe, these are extremes of humanity. The vast majority of us exist with good and bad constantly at war within us. I don't mean "bad" like killing people ... I mean "bad" like, for example, cheating on your spouse, parking in the handicap spot, stealing from your son's (or daughter's) little league fund. We are constantly given crossroads at which we are given the option of making a right or wrong decision nearly every day of our lives. Granted, being human beings, we are not always going to make the right decision. That's fully expected and completely understandable. It's part of what makes us endearing. However, I've known a few people in my life who, by virtue of making the right decisions on the little crossroads in life, found enough strength to make the right decision on the really big ones. When it really counts. They were (and are) the epitome of what it means to be a "good" person. Not Mother Theresa "good" (but, then again, I don't even think Mother Theresa was "Mother Theresa" good ... as a society, we tend to create icons out of humans), but the kind of people that I would be honored to grow into being one day. They have character, you know. They respect themselves and the people and world around them. I don't think you are born that way. For the most part, I don't think there are inherently "good" and "bad" people but, instead, we create the nature of our characters every day by the decisions that we make. We instill in ourselves the type of person we want to be. The type of person we are going to be. The type of person that we are.

I don't really have a conclusion to any of this ... I'm really just thinking out loud. Trying to analyze my thoughts. You just happen to be witness to the chaos :) Sorry about the mess.

Anyway, I'm a bit troubled over the matter. I have to think about this more.

There is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which Buffy (the heroine of the show ... and the slayer of vampires - hence the name) is talking with her watcher, Giles. She's confused because her friend turned out to be using her as a offering to the vampire leader in exchange for eternal life. Her friend wanted to be made a vampire because he had a chronic - and extremely painful -illness that was going to kill him shortly. He was only sixteen years old.

She didn't understand because she couldn't put him in a category. He wasn't all evil (his actions were motivated out of his own terrifying fears and horrible pain) but he wasn't all good either (he did try to kill lots of people and offer his friend up in exchange for his own life.) So this left her with a bit of a quandry. The episode ends with this scene:

Buffy: Well, does it ever get easy?

Giles: You mean life?

Buffy: Yeah, does it get easy?

Giles: What do you want me to say?

Buffy: Lie to me.

Giles: The good-guys are stalwart and true. The bad-guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats and we always defeat them and save the day. Nobody ever dies�and everybody lives happily ever after.

I wish it were that simple.

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